Not Getting Picked, But Getting Chosen
By Dr. Claire Brady, EdD
There comes a moment — or honestly, several moments — in every career when you don’t get picked:
A job you felt aligned with.
A client project you saw yourself leading.
A speaking opportunity that seemed designed for you.
A proposal you wrote with every ounce of clarity and passion you had.
And even when we know better… it stings.
For a long stretch of my professional life, I treated those missed opportunities as verdicts: evidence that I needed to be sharper, better, more strategic. But the longer I lead, the more I coach, and the more I build this consulting chapter of my life, the clearer the truth becomes: Not getting picked is not the same as not being chosen.
And the distinction is everything:
Being picked is often transactional — a checklist, a committee, a process, a timeline.
Being chosen is relational — a fit, a mutual recognition, an alignment of purpose.
Picked reinforces scarcity.
Chosen reinforces belonging.
Picked is about who you are on paper.
Chosen is about who you are in practice.
Those moments of not getting picked can make us question ourselves, and that’s human. But they are almost never the definitive commentary we imagine. More often, they’re circumstantial. Political. Timing. Budget. Organizational shift. Competing priorities. Different chemistry. A committee member with a different vision. A role that wasn’t actually built for your gifts.
None of that is about your worth. And yet — the disappointment is real. We’re not robots. We’re humans doing deeply human work. What matters is what you do next.
Let me offer the resilience practices I lean on most — for myself and the people I coach:
Give yourself 72 hours of truth.
Not performance. Not toxic positivity. Just truth. Feel the sting without building a story around it. You don’t need to intellectualize a disappointment in real time. You just need to honor it.
Don’t conduct a self-esteem autopsy.
This is the moment when our inner critic wants to pull out a whiteboard and create a thesis titled "Why This Means I’m Not Good Enough." Don’t go there. The decision is not data. It’s a moment.
Ask the real question: “Did I actually want this… or was I just flattered?”
This one is humbling. Sometimes the opportunity was more about validation than alignment. And when that’s true, the “no” is honestly a gift.
Look for the opportunity the ‘no’ created space for.
This part always feels uncomfortable — until hindsight kicks in. Every major pivot, partnership, client, and role that transformed my career came after something I was so sure I wanted… didn’t land.
Reconnect with purpose, not perfection.
Your purpose is the through line. Opportunities come and go. Titles shift. Clients rotate. Purpose keeps you steady.
Here’s the lesson I want to leave you with — the one it took me years to truly understand:
You’re not here to be picked off a list. You’re here to build relationships, partnerships, and opportunities that are aligned with who you are and what you bring.
“Chosen” isn’t about someone granting you access.
It’s about finding each other.
It’s about shared values, shared timing, and shared purpose.
It’s about stepping into rooms where your presence elevates the work — and where the work elevates you back.
When that alignment clicks, it feels less like winning something and more like coming home to the right collaboration, the right clients, the right community. Picked is a moment. Chosen is a match. And the best matches are mutual.
So if you’re in a season of closed doors, here’s my encouragement:
You’re not waiting to be picked. You’re waiting for the right people and the right opportunities to recognize themselves in you — and for you to recognize yourself in them. That’s not luck. That’s alignment. And when it happens, it doesn’t feel like being selected. It feels like belonging.
